


‘I am no Darth Vader’

by jambon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: 1am thoughts, Angst, Ben Deserved Better, Insanity, Intrusive Thoughts, Madness, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Movie: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rey is sad, hinted relationship, mentions of vader, sex references, violent kylo ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:36:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22152637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jambon/pseuds/jambon
Summary: Kylo Ren is being torn apart by his internal battle between the dark and the light, only made worse by his confusing feelings surrounding Rey. His solution? lash out.-A somewhat bleak look into Ren’s psyche, set at some point after episode eight or during the first half of episode nine.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Reylo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	‘I am no Darth Vader’

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote another ren focused fic the other day that was pretty shit but hasn’t done awfully (hi if you’re here from that i promise this ones better) and i wanted to have another shot at one that wasn’t written at two am
> 
> it’s only quarter to one
> 
> anyways ignore my rambling and hope you enjoy xo

The glass shattered into a million blinding fragments around Kylo Ren’s fist as he roared at the mirror, and a million tiny Kylo Rens roared back. He could feel the shards working their way into the flesh of his hand and arm, and peppering his skin when it had sprayed over the room. It burned like fire and ice, but was nothing compared to the scratching, screaming, searing pain that was a constant in Ren’s mind. 

The battle between the dark and the light had been raging within Kylo Ren since he could remember, but never had the fight been this consuming. Recently, he felt himself being looking ever more inwards, consumed by his internal war and not paying enough attention to the very real one going on around him. Hux was noticing, growing more impatient by the day as Ren made stupid, stupid mistakes that lead to the Resistance surviving time after time after time. It was infuriating, and he was well aware of the threat Hux was becoming to his position of Supreme Leader. Still, he was a useful general for the time being, and when his usefulness ran out Ren would simply expose him for the venomous, lying traitor he was. The thought of killing the manipulative control freak was enough to send a slither of cool calm into Ren’s burning mind.

Of course, there was one external factor taking up valuable processing space in Ren’s mind: the girl. The unheard of scavenger girl from Jakku who, out of nowhere, had become heir to the Skywalkers and threatened all Ren had worked for all of these years. She was a danger to the First Order and also to Kylo Ren himself. Despite all of his instincts and training, he was intrigued by Rey. Of course, the very fact of their bond was a point of interest, but there was something unnaturally beautiful about the weight of a thousand generations pressed into one girls eyes.

Of course, Ren was no stranger to women, and could have anyone he wanted within the First Order in his chambers whenever he desired, but lately he had found himself refraining. Every time he came close to doing so, he just thought of her lips on his, his hand on her cheek, her fingers tangled in his hair. It made him feel ill. The weakness he displayed by even thinking such things was enough to make him want to wash his mouth out with soap. Or punch a mirror.

Kylo Ren turned around, suddenly feeling very claustrophobic despite only a few inches of metal separating him and the vastness of space. Clumsily scrabbling at buttons and laces, he removed his black armour, black shirt. They were ill fitting, a left over reminder from Snoke that he had a role that was bigger than he could ever grow to fill. Throwing them down on the floor, Ren crunched across the broken glass towards his lightsaber. A flick of the wrist killed the lights as he picked up the weapon. It called to him, seducing him through the darkness. Crackling as it was turned on, its red light cast the ropey scar snaking across Ren’s chest in sharp relief, and carved out each hard muscle on his chest into the sharp tools they were. 

The pure power offered to Ren by the dark side washes over him in a wave of calming heat. Where Rey brought ice and water, the dark side could offer him fire and blood and power like nobody else in the galaxy had ever experienced. And if that meant having to burn away his feelings for a poor scavenger girl from Jakku? Ren scoffed. It would be done, even if she had to be obliterated in the process.

With that thought, Ren sprung into action. His lightsaber was an extension of his body, working with him to crash through any and every object in the chambers. Red light was added to by sparks and electricity being freed from the various panels and circuits laid waste to by the viciousness of Ren’s blade. 

Coming to a stop in the middle of the room, he skidded on broken glass and metal. Shards were thrown up onto his exposed torso and arms, biting and stinging. Hissing, he welcomed the pain, made more intense by the lack of sight as Ren turned off his lightsaber, arm dropping to his side. His own heavy breathing was the only sound for a few seconds, before the lights came back with another flick of his hand. The sight of beautiful devastation that greeted him was thrilling, despite the pang than came from some small, trembling part of himself. Laughing, Kylo Ren shoved that weak, snivelling creature, all that remained of Ben Solo, a little bit further down and took one step, then another, over to the only part of the room that remained untouched.

The mangled helmet was almost a shrine, a gift given to Ren by Snoke as his birthright. Really, though, it had been a cruel reminder of what he was not and never could be. A pressure point that was to be exploited. Except Kylo Ren was the Supreme Leader now, with nobody to answer to but himself. Nobody. Lifting a hand, he picked up the object, slowly turning it in the air to examine it from every angle. Suddenly, he brought it down hard on the ground, obliterating it and letting its ashes settle with the rest of the debris. Ren spat on the floor where the dust now lay. ‘I am no Darth Vader.’

-

From the doorway, Rey surveyed the scene with a mix of horror and disappointment. After their last conversation, she really thought she had made some progress with Ben. They had looked deeply into each other’s eyes, and Rey just knew she had seen something of the light within him. Yet this wild, uncontrolled rage screamed different. The insanity was growing within him day by day and if nothing was done soon the darkness would consume him and Ben would be lost forever. It had already been the death of Han Solo, and little by little it was killing Leia. 

Rey couldn’t explain why, but when she looked at Ben, when she felt his grief and angst through their bond, she knew that his loss would destroy her too.

**Author's Note:**

> back to ramble again
> 
> i really hope you enjoyed reading this as it was quite fun to write and i really love reading your comments so please don’t be shy if you want to say something :)
> 
> who knows maybe i’ll write some more star wars in the future bc atm i’m new to writing for these characters 
> 
> ps i know it’s not strictly canon with the destructing of vader’s helmet shush guys xo


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